


The Great Blackboard War of 2016

by nikkiRA



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 09:25:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12884913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkiRA/pseuds/nikkiRA
Summary: Why Simon Snow is the world’s worst roommate:•	Drinks all my tea•	I keep tripping over his tail•	Forgets that this is only a two-bedroom flat and has unnecessarily loud sex with his boyfriend





	The Great Blackboard War of 2016

_We’ve lived together for seven years. I think we should try living apart for once._ That’s what that asshole had said. That dick. That absolute twat. With a totally straight fucking face.

And wasn’t she the fucking tit who had believed him!

* * *

She makes a list on the blackboard they have hanging on the wall in their kitchen. Usually it’s just for notes: _we need milk,_ who keeps eating my scones, _living together means sharing, Simon,_ fuck you Penny I know it was you, _jokes on you it was Baz,_ **Both of you piss off I don’t even live here,** _could have fooled me._

She erases all of this and makes a list:

_Why Simon Snow is the world’s worst roommate:_

  * _Drinks all my tea_
  * _I keep tripping over his tail_
  * _Forgets that this is only a two-bedroom flat and has unnecessarily loud sex with his boyfriend_



There, she thinks with a smirk. That’ll show him.

* * *

Text from: Simon

How do you know it’s isn’t Baz who’s loud?

_Is that a joke? He stayed for the whole weekend once and I didn’t even know he was there until he left._

_You know he has super sonic hearing, right? You know there’s no reason to be that loud._

Text from: Simon

Fuck you, Penny

* * *

When she gets home the next day, she sees that some changes have been made to her blackboard list. Her original list is still there, but there is more written underneath in writing she recognizes as Baz’s.

_Why Simon Snow is the world’s worst ~~roommate~~ _ **boyfriend:**

  * _Drinks all my tea_
  * _I keep tripping over his tail_
  * _Forgets that this is only a two bedroom flat and has unnecessarily loud sex with his boyfriend_
  * **Leaves all the lights on**
  * **Leaves crumbs on the bed**
  * **Steals my pyjamas**
  * **Keeps wrapping his wings around me when we kiss even though he knows it’s the creepiest goddamn thing**
  * **One time I woke up at four in the morning and he was sitting up in bed eating a full meal**



Penny laughs and leaves it the way she found it.

* * *

The next time she sees the blackboard there are more additions, this time in Simon’s writing. She adds a few notes as well.

_Why Simon Snow is the world’s worst ~~roommate~~ _ **boyfriend:**

  * _Drinks all my tea_
  * _I keep tripping over his tail_
  * _Forgets that this is only a two bedroom flat and has unnecessarily loud sex with his boyfriend_
  * **Leaves all the lights on -** I pay the bills, I can do what I want **-** _you only pay half the bills!_
  * **Leaves crumbs on the bed -** It’s my bed!!
  * **Steals my pyjamas -** your fault. Buy less comfortable ones. Or buy me nice ones
  * **Keeps wrapping his wings around me when we kiss even though he knows it’s the creepiest goddamn thing -** I can’t always control the fucking things. They just want to be close to you - _gag_
  * **One time I woke up at four in the morning and he was sitting up in bed eating a full meal -** it’s still my bed! I can’t help it when I get hungry!



* * *

The next time she enters the kitchen, there is an even bigger change to the blackboard. Everything except the title has been erased.

_Why ~~Simon Snow~~ _ Baz Pitch _is the world’s worst ~~roommate~~ _**boyfriend:**

  * Got me hooked on nice, comfortable pyjamas and then gets mad at me when I steal his
  * Rolls over onto my wings when he’s sleeping
  * Still doesn’t call me by my first name
  * Still stares at me when he think I’m sleeping
  * Still doesn’t like to eat in front of me



Penny might just be imagining things, but she thinks that last one might be a little bitter.

* * *

When Simon gets home a couple days later, he sees that the whole blackboard has been wiped clean, and he recognizes Penny’s writing.

_Why Simon Snow is the best roommate:_

  * _Never turns off the lights, but always does the dishes_
  * _Indulges my habit of watching shitty bridal shows and doesn’t laugh at me when I cry_
  * _Is pretty good about the whole tail thing, all things considered_
  * _Flew me to class once when I was late_
  * _Always replaces the tea he drinks_
  * _Doesn’t hate me for eating his scones (it was me. I’m sorry)_
  * _Literally saved the entire goddamn world_



* * *

By the next day, there’s more.

_Why Simon Snow is the best roommate_ **/boyfriend:**

  * _Never turns off the lights, but always does the dishes_
  * _Indulges my habit of watching shitty bridal shows and doesn’t laugh at me when I cry_
  * _Is pretty good about the whole tail thing, all things considered_
  * _Flew me to class once when I was late_
  * _Always replaces the tea he drinks_
  * _Doesn’t hate me for eating his scones (it was me. I’m sorry)_
  * _Literally saved the entire goddamn world_
  * **Always wakes me up from nightmares**
  * **Smells nice**
  * **Wraps his tail around my waist and doesn’t even seem to realize it**
  * **Got black out curtains because the sun bothers me**
  * **Came to leaving ceremony even though I know he didn’t want to be there**
  * **Clings to me in his sleep like a bloody child**
  * **Literally saved the fucking world**



* * *

To: Two Cool Dudes and a Vampire

_Simon:_ You guys are both sappy assholes

_Baz:_ If you don’t change the name of the group chat I’m erasing everything I wrote

_Simon:_ you can’t erase the truth, Baz

_Penny:_ You’re still too loud in bed

_Simon:_ Then stop listening, you perv

_Penny_ : the walls aren’t exactly thick, you know!

_Simon:_ oh, come on, there’s got to be a spell for that. “Sock on the door” or something

_Penny:_ or you could just be quiet!

Baz turns his phone off.


End file.
